“People wonder why they are so fat…they are sittin there lookin at v8 juice and then say oh no fuck that wheres the cool aid…i hate fat people”

“So just went to get my hair cut and the girl that works the front desk counted how many times i cursed…was there 25 minutes and cursed 27 times”

“She asked how many times i thought i cursed and i said maybe 10 then she started laughin….fuckin bitch”

“Atleast I hold the record…is that somethin to be proud of?”

“Been stuck in apartment hell for 30 minutes i cant get out. ive never needed and not needed the cops so bad”

“Nevermind im about a mile away from my house and have no clue where im at”

“Round 2 of people refusing free shots! Haha”

“Just learned how to cheat the bowling alley…”

“You have to time it perfect but if you throw the ball and just miss the arm coming up it doesnt count the ball and you get another throw”

Him: “Hahaha idea….i need a sponsor so that i can party every night of the week….”

Me: “Haha a party sponsor?”

Him: “Hell yes. Will be like ricky bobby before grace sayin all his sponsors”

“Havent thrown up off beer in a long time but this 12 year old girl that is on a good day 250 pounds is tryin to dance”

“Haha this lady had her kid in a shopping cart right behind my car when i started it and the kid dropped her drink and covered her ears”

“nothin like hookin up a ps3 to the tv i have to realize how shitty of a picture the tv has”

“Holy hell this douche and a half just put like 20 bucks in the joke box. My shit hasnt played for an hour and a half”

“Ever think about suicide after that long in the presence of country music? I have”